


Rules of the McKinley High Choir Room and Auditorium

by dealan



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-25
Updated: 2010-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 20:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/397692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dealan/pseuds/dealan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look, Brad doesn't mind that Glee club survived another year. He's happy for them. Sort of. At least that means he still has a job.  But next year? He's laying down some ground rules. 100 things the New Directions is not allowed to do in the choir room anymore.  S1 spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules of the McKinley High Choir Room and Auditorium

1\. My name is Brad. Call me Tinkles one more time, and I *will* smack you.

2\. No matter what Rachel Berry says, I get to veto any songs requiring accompaniment. If you ask me to play Hanson one more time, I quit. You know who you are.

3\. If you are going to have a diva moment and storm out of the room, please take your sheet music with you. I am not your mother. I am not going pick up after you.

4\. No leaning against the piano.

5\. No standing on the piano.

6\. Absolutely no dancing on the piano. Some of you need to understand that it will collapse if you all get on it all at once. (Mike, Matt, Brittany. I'm looking at you.)

7\. Actually, just leave the piano alone altogether. I’ll be the only one who uses it.

8\. No cell phones. It’s rude. I’m trying to play here. Sext each other on your own time.

9\. Don't interrupt me during the brief fifteen minutes before Glee practice. This is 'Brad time'.

10\. Do NOT come between me and my coffee, or shit is going to go down.

11\. Don't expect any musician to get the song correct first time, every time. I’m not Jesus.

12\. No harassing the musicians. Don’t assume we will just cooperate with your plans. You’re not the boss of us.

13\. Bribing us, however, is perfectly acceptable. (My Amazon wishlist is updated every week.)

14\. Contrary to popular belief, I am not at your beck and call. I won’t *always* be ‘just around,’ Miss Berry. I have a life.

15\. No food or drink is permitted into the choir room or auditorium. That includes spontaneous picnics, “I’m Sorry” cookies, and chicken fetuses. Roaches in my piano are not cool. (My coffee does not count. See Rule 10.)

16\. This goes double for slushies. I'm serious, guys. No more slushie attacks, even if you're hitting Will. The residue is very hard to clean off ivory keys.

17\. And it should go without saying, but no alcohol either. Buying the auditorium does not give you license to booze it up there whenever you feel like it, April.

18\. While I appreciate the gesture, Miss Pillsbury is no longer allowed to help clean my piano. Purell hand-sanitizer just does not belong on the strings inside the piano.

19\. Leave all lighters and matches outside. I *like* not having scorch marks on the floor.

20\. On that note, no more KISS numbers. You almost burned the auditorium down. All pyrotechnics need to be approved PRIOR to performances.

21\. Also, no more Lady Gaga. I'm a classically trained pianist, I didn't sign up to play songs about "bluffing with your muffin." Miley Cyrus is out as well. If you have a problem with that, please refer to Rule 2.

22\. While I can’t stop you from talking about your personal lives, stay out of my mine. (No, Puck, I will not introduce you to my mother. I don't care if you think she’s a GILF.)

23\. I know you guys are young and hormonal, but don’t have sex in the auditorium or choir room.

24\. No making out in the auditorium or choir room, either. Just because it's in the wings doesn't mean I can't see it.

25\. It’d be great if you could leave your love lives out of the choir room altogether, actually. Especially you, Will.

26\. And if you feel the need to constantly talk about it, just make sure I’ve left the room. You always forget I'm in there and then it gets awkward.

27\. Also, no sex in the storage room next to the choir room. I can still hear it, you know.

28\. If you have to, though, keep it down. I need to practice sometimes.

29\. If circling the piano dramatically is part of your choreography, please limit it to a third of the song's duration. I understand that Finn has problems learning dance moves, but it gets distracting beyond thirty seconds.

30\. Also when pregnant, please refrain from overactive dancing on stage to prevent the baby from flying out.

31\. Red does not go faster. Tossing different colored guitars across the room will not prove that and will, in fact, cause vast amounts of damage.

32\. No throwing footballs or any other sports equipment around either.

33\. Or Cheerio trophies, *WILL*.

34\. Please refrain from leaving large tire marks on the floor. It is not actually cool to try and drift on the stage, Artie.

35\. [Stacking the chairs up to create an obstacle course so you can re-enact Super MarioKart races is NOT acceptable choir room behavior. This is how wheelchairs get lost.](http://community.livejournal.com/glee_fluff_meme/374.html?thread=1332598#t1332598)

36\. In fact, all wheelchair races of any sort are hereby banned from now on. I don't care if you're bored because Will forced you to spend three hours in those chairs. This isn't Ben Hur.

37\. All non-Glee performers must be cleared with me before entering the choir room. (I refuse to help deliver a child ever again just because someone decided it was a good idea to let an 8 and 1/2 month pregnant woman dance Swan Lake.)

38\. Please keep your clothes on. It is not required for you to take off your shirt every time you’re about to rap, Will.

39\. Actually, it would be great if you stopped rapping altogether.

40\. The piano is not an appropriate place to house a baby bird. Neither is the inside of a drum, Brittany.

41\. In fact, let’s just make it a blanket rule: no animals in the choir room. A duck is not an appropriate club mascot.

42\. Always bring your own towel to the choir room. The ones in the box near the door are for the musicians.

43\. The choir room is not an appropriate place to seduce a gym teacher after hours. Or anyone else for that matter. If you have a problem with that, refer to Rule 25.

44\. If your costume includes glitter, beads, lace, plastic balls, heavy makeup, or anything that requires a broom or moist towelettes to remove it, you are responsible for cleaning up after yourself. (Seriously Kurt, take your makeup off IN THE BATHROOM).

45\. No more kicking chairs. This means you, Finn.

46\. The choir room is not a storage unit. Next time, get your mattresses delivered some place else.

47\. It's not a motel either, Will. Find your own place to crash for the night.

48\. Under no circumstances are you to give Vitamin D tablets to Rachel. She's hyper enough as it is.

49\. Same goes for feeding cupcakes to my musicians. I know what your special ingredient is, Puck. Stop it.

50\. I don't know what snicker pulling is, but it sounds like something that shouldn't happen in the choir room.

51\. The rules apply to the choir room at all times. Just because you’re using the choir room as a dressing room for your Invitational doesn’t mean the rules disappear.

52\. Yes, I do see you outside the choir room door, Sue Sylvester. And it creeps me out. Please, PLEASE stop. 

53\. That goes for you too, Jacob. Stalk Rachel somewhere else.

54\. No weapons in the choir room. Nunchucks are not appropriate props for a song, even if said song is Kung-Fu Fighting. You are not a ninja, Finn. 

55\. No 'taking people to the rug' within five feet of the piano. This means you, Santana.

56\. No yelling either. [The next time you want to debate whether Newsies counts as a real musical, if you can't do it without it turning into a shouting match, take it outside](http://dealanexmachina.livejournal.com/6632.html?thread=22248#t22248).

57\. If you fail to adhere to Rule 56, I will institute the talking stick rule and force you to hold a drumstick before permitting you to speak. 

58\. No more snowball fights in the auditorium.

59\. No water balloon fights either.

60\. Your parents do not pay my salary. Marching them in here to argue on your behalf will not get me to wear an outfit that matches your costumes for performances. Especially when your theme is Cats.

61\. If you know Sue Sylvester is coming within twenty feet of the auditorium, I need a five minute warning so I can hide.

62\. If you know Sue Sylvester is coming within twenty feet of the choir room, I need a five minute warning so I can hide all the keys.

63\. If you need to use the choir room early in the morning, don't pick the lock. Find me. The doors are locked for a reason. I won’t have a repeat of Vocal Adrenaline coming in here and toilet papering the place. 

64\. No, I will not give copies of the keys to anyone. You have all proven unworthy of such responsibility. 

65\. For the auditorium, sure, with approval, but no more fog machines in the choir room. I don't care that it adds more drama, Rachel. I can't play if I can't see my notes.

66\. No more reenacting scenes from Dirty Dancing. I won’t have you breaking any more instruments because you’re jumping off the risers trying to do the big Patrick Swayze lift.

67\. Due to the instance which shall never be spoken of again, pineapples are no longer allowed in the choir room. (See also: Rule 15)

68\. On that same note, no more air guitar contests. 

69\. No more mistletoe in the choir room. I don’t care if it’s festive. I'm not dealing with another instance of Artie and Tina blocking the door for fifteen minutes next year. 

70\. Please stop placing the Barbara Streisand sheet music on the top shelf of the bookcase. Watching Rachel jump up and down trying to reach it might be fun for you, but you’re not the one getting stepped on when she misses.

71\. I don’t care if you think they make for good club bonding, Will. Scavenger hunts are always a bad idea. Never.again.

72\. Cowboy lassos are no longer allowed in the choir room.

73\. This isn’t Project Runway. Please make all your costumes in your own homes from now on. Make it work over there. (Three words: Peacock. Feather. Cape.)

74\. Due to the last incident which resulted in certain male glee club members falling off the risers, all skirts must adhere to the five finger rule.

75\. Next time you have a hair-o-graphy session, please make sure I'm not there. I may never look at a wig without cringing ever again.

76\. No more wheelie popping contests.

77\. I know it's kind of a sore point for some of you, but no touching the Cheerios’ Nationals trophy case. Again, Sue scares me. Think of it as celebrating the achievements of three of your fellow Gleeks, if it helps.

78\. Substituting grocery carts for wheelchairs to reenact MarioKart races does not make it different, guys. In fact, it makes it worse. (I don’t even want to know where you got those.)

79\. Skateboards aren’t any better either. Just stop it with the tournaments, okay? I mean it.

80\. If you have a solo planned, no eating onions or garlic before Glee. When you sing over the piano, I can smell your nasty breath.

81\. Chewing gum doesn’t help either, because you all wind up sticking it under your seats in the end. How do you even sing with gum in your mouth? 

82\. If you BREAK something, TELL ME! Don't hide it in the closet like I won't find it. Because I will. And I don't like finding things in my closet.

83\. Actually, stay away from my closet in general. There are no ducks hiding in there, Brittany. I promise. 

84\. No more offers for a makeover to update my “frumpy 1980's look." I'm perfectly happy looking just the way I do, Kurt, “awkward facial hair” and all.

85\. It’d be nice if you’d consult me once in a while. I actually have some song choices myself for you all to sing too. O Brother Where Art Thou? Total classic! Try it sometime. I'm sick of this 'younger generation' crap.

86\. I am calling a six month moratorium on the following words: reputation, empowerment, Madonna, home, dreams, and above all, FUNK. If I have to hand every single one of you a thesaurus before entering the choir room, I will. 

87\. No standing within five feet of the piano bench if you’re going to wail on the last note. You’re a talented singer, Mercedes, but you almost shattered my ear drum.

88\. If you plan to perform “Push It” or any song like that in public again, you’re on your own for accompaniment. I refuse to be a part of it.

89\. Please censor yourself. I don’t know what it means and I don’t *want* to know what it means, but I never want to hear the phrases “crunchy toast” and “fromunda cheese” uttered in the choir room ever again, Puck. 

90\. No more bugging the choir room. 

91\. Next time you invite the football team to practice in here, check with me first so we can go over the rules with Ken. I don’t appreciate having a whistle blown in my ear.

92\. All future music videos must be cleared with me if you are going to use the choir room or auditorium. Trying to recreate Beyonce and Lady Gaga’s Telephone video was a really bad idea, and I’m fairly certain what you filmed that day is illegal in some states.

93\. No more dartboards in the choir room. I understand that it makes for great motivation to pin a picture of Jesse St. James to a board and throw darts at it, but you all have terrible aim.

94\. No matter how deserving it may be, threatening to castrate someone with a rusty spoon is not acceptable choir room behavior. Baby hormones are not an excuse, Quinn. Go see Miss Pillsbury. I’m sure she has a pamphlet for that.

95\. Finn and Brittany are no longer allowed to be partners if the choreography includes swing dancing or aerials. They are the tallest people in the club and on opposite sides of the dancing ability spectrum. What were you thinking?

96\. No more sticking “free hugs” on people’s backs. It wasn’t funny the first time, and you all should have known better than to stick it on Puck’s back. If it happens again, I’m not holding Santana back this time.

97\. Switching out the markers for the white-erase board with permanent markers is not a funny prank. You are all amateurs at this. 

98\. By the way, next time you want to prank Vocal Adrenaline, properly this time, call me. I know a guy. 

99\. I know I might regret this, but if you need a place to hide from bullies, the choir room is always open during school hours. I’m also usually around. (Yeah, okay fine, I admit it.) Just make sure you knock first, okay? 

100\. And for God’s sake, wipe your feet before you come in.

**Author's Note:**

> Complied from all the replies to [this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/glee_fluff_meme/374.html?thread=1233270#t1233270) from the [](http://glee-fluff-meme.livejournal.com/profile)[**glee_fluff_meme**](http://glee-fluff-meme.livejournal.com/). Thanks to nocabaret, recall_the_love, burn_to_emerge, telm_393, chalidragon, and monstahmayhem.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction - all events and actions are completely made up. Absolutely nothing in this story should be taken as fact. This original work of fan fiction is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License; attribution should include a link to this Livejournal post.


End file.
